Self-soothing means to manage your own emotions and not depend mainly on others to soothe you. There's nothing wrong with your partner lending a hand when you are emotionally upset - it's when that is the DEFAULT that it becomes a problem. If you are married or in a long-term, committed relationship there will be many times when your partner can't (they're upset, too, they're depressed, they are not available) or won't (they're angry at you, they want you to soothe yourself) soothe you. It is also not sexy to be with someone who can't manage there own emotions. Depending on your partner to take care of you emotionally may work for a while, but over time partners begin to resent the other for expecting they'll take care of them emotionally. Esther Perel, a famous couple therapist who writes about infidelity, says emotional caregiving = a decrease in sexual desire (I summarize). What IS sexy is a partner who can stand on their own two feet, who is in control of their emotions (not their emotions controlling them). Ask yourself: Do I take responsibility for my own emotions - no matter what? Do I get mad when my partner doesn't say or do things to help me feel better? How do I self-soothe or manage my emotions? We will talk about ways to self-soothe next time. Good luck taking good care of yourself - Dr. Sandoval
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