You may ask your self, "What is Sense of Self?" and "Why would a strong sense of self give me hotter sex?" Sense of self is knowing who you are, what you value and believe, and balancing the need for closeness with others with the need for independence and individuality. Having a STRONG Sense of Self is being solid in who you are AND being able to hold on to that in the face of someone very important - like a spouse or partner. Unfortunately, this can prove to be very difficult for most people. When are partner disagrees with us or if their values change we often accommodate to please them or not cause a fight - or the opposite - we yell and fight and manipulate to get them to go our way. Either way sense of self is diminished and so is great sex if this behavior continues over time. Holding onto your sense of self would be being clear about who you are and what you want, expressing that to your partner, and allowing your partner to be who they are. Yes, this is difficult when we disagree - but we are, in fact, separate people, right? We can't expect accommodation all the time - this would lead to low sexual desire anyway. We can't strong arm our partners into going our way either. They'd feel controlled and we'd lose respect for them - none of which is sexy. So, hot sex comes when we allow our partners to be separate individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc, and when we respect our own sense of self. Two people with strong sense of selves, both able to stand on their own two feet, are able to face their partner and get really close. That's hot! Being with someone who knows who they are, who takes care of themselves, who allows their partner to have the same is hot! So think about strengthening your sense of self if you want hotter sex. If this is something you need help with consider entering into therapy with a "Differentiation-based" therapist. Contact Dr. Sandoval for more info or referrals (626)590-9723 or firstname.lastname@example.org. Here's to hotter sex!
Jennifer S. Sandoval, Psy.D.
Dr. Sandoval is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Del Mar, California. Dr. Sandoval specializes in couple therapy and sex and intimacy issues. Dr. Sandoval is passionate about helping couples and individuals lead more fulfilling and differentiated love lives. Dr. Sandoval also works with adults, children and families dealing with relationship issues, divorce, PTSD and trauma, anxiety and depression.